"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. Remember that."
from The Harry Potter Movie
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"I Couldn't Justify..."

One question I'm often asked is, "How does one I turn down an offer when it isn't acceptable and, still not offend the person, closing down further dialogue?"

I always consider that to be a great question because it shows a desire to treat people right. It also shows understanding that the best way to get what you want is to make the other person feel good about themselves, as well as about you.

Have you ever witnessed a person saying, "That's my final offer - take it or leave it!"? If that's happened to you, did you "leave it" even if it was a decent offer? People do that because no one wants to be treated unkindly. Let's face it, the ego elicits the making of emotional decisions and, if insulted, people will often make decisions that aren't good for them.

And, even if they are in a position where they must accept now, they'll be tempted to somehow sabotage the arrangement and/or do what they can in the future to make life difficult for that person.

Some people, when refusing an offer, respond in a similar fashion. They might say, "There's no way I'll accept that. You
*must* give me 'such and such' or I'm walking." This then puts the other person in a situation where, if they agree, they have just "backed down" or "submitted."

On the other hand, we can very pleasantly turn down an offer while allowing that person to "save face" and still understand they need to come back with a better offer. For example:

Steve: This is the price for the widget, and delivery will be in two weeks.

You: Thank you Steve. I appreciate the offer. Unfortunately, at that price and the long delivery time, "I couldn't justify" making the purchase. But I DO appreciate the offer.

You've very kindly, politely and respectfully (which, in his mind, has just separated you positively from many others) said no, while leaving his self-esteem totally intact. People like Steve WANT to do business with people like you. Now, say nothing and see if Steve comes back with another offer or asks you what price/delivery time you were thinking. If, after a few seconds, he says nothing (and assuming you really want the widget enough to pursue this), simply say: "Steve, what can you offer that would help me to justify the decision to buy?"

He'll either come back with something better, or he won't. There's no guarantee he will. (Sometimes, it's a condition, not a choice, meaning that he has no room to negotiate further.) The choice will then be yours. However, what I CAN guarantee is that if you'll proceed with the "I couldn't justify..." response as opposed to a simple (or less than nice) "no", the odds of him going out of his way to make you happy will increase dramatically.

Bob Burg
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"The amount of satisfaction you get from life depends largely on your own ingenuity, self-sufficiency, and resourcefulness. People who wait around for life to supply their satisfaction usually find boredom instead."
Dr. William Menninger
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Something to Make Me Happy
By Sharon Palmer


I was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping in a toy store and decided to look at Barbie dolls for my nieces.
A nicely dressed little girl was excitedly looking through the Barbie dolls as well, with a roll of money clamped tightly in her little hand.
When she came upon a Barbie she liked, she would turn and ask her father if she had enough money to buy it. He usually said "yes," but she would keep looking and keep going through their ritual of "Do I have enough?"
As she was looking, a little boy wandered in across the aisle and started sorting through the Pokémon toys.
He was dressed neatly, but in clothes that were obviously rather worn, and wearing a jacket that was probably a couple of sizes too small. He, too, had money in his hand, but it looked to be no more than five dollars or so, at the most.
He was with his father as well, and kept picking up the Pokémon video games. Each time he picked one up and looked at his father, his father shook his head, "no."
The little girl had apparently chosen her Barbie, a beautifully dressed, glamorous doll that would have been the envy of every little girl on the block.
However, she had stopped and was watching the interchange between the little boy and his father. Rather dejectedly, the boy had given up on the video games and had chosen what looked like a book of stickers instead. He and his father then started walking through another aisle of the store.
The little girl put her Barbie back on the shelf, and ran over to the Pokémon games. She excitedly picked up one that was lying on top of the other toys, and raced toward the check-out, after speaking with her father.
I picked up my purchases and got in line behind them.
Then, much to the little girl's obvious delight, the little boy and his father got in line behind me.
After the toy was paid for and bagged, the little girl handed it back to the cashier and whispered something in her ear. The cashier smiled and put the package under the counter.
I paid for my purchases and was rearranging things in my purse when the little boy came up to the cashier. The cashier rang up his purchases and then said, "Congratulations, you are my hundredth customer today, and you win a prize!"
With that, she handed the little boy the Pokémon game, and he could only stare in disbelief.
It was, he said, exactly what he had wanted!
The little girl and her father had been standing at the doorway during all of this, and I saw the biggest, prettiest grin on that little girl that I have ever seen in my life. Then they walked out the door, and I followed, close behind them.
As I walked back to my car, in amazement over what I had just witnessed, I heard the father ask his daughter why she had done that. I'll never forget what she said to him.
"Daddy, didn't Nana and Paw Paw want me to buy something that would make me happy?"
He said, "Of course they did, Honey."
To which the little girl replied, "Well, I just did!"
With that, she giggled and started skipping toward their car. Apparently, she had decided on the answer to her own question of, "Do I have enough?"
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"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."
Agatha Christie

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.
George Washington Carver
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A Typical Day
By Brian Totzke


As a high-school teacher, I have understandably become concerned not just about the future of our profession but the public perception of it as well. I decided recently, therefore, to take advantage of the so-called "spare" time that I have in my work day to take a leisurely stroll around the building and see for myself just what goes on outside my own classroom.
The first door I passed was that of a math teacher who was providing individual attention to a student who was quite obviously having some difficulty. The student's face said it all: frustration, confusion, quiet desperation. The teacher remained upbeat, offering support and encouragement.
"Let's try again, but we'll look at it from a slightly different point of view," she said and proceeded to erase the chalkboard in search of a better solution.
Further down the hall, I came across the doorway of one of our history teachers. As I paused to eavesdrop, I witnessed a large semicircle of enthusiastic students engaged in a lively debate regarding current Canadian events and issues. The teacher chose to take somewhat of a back-seat role, entering the fray only occasionally to pose a rhetorical question or to gently steer the conversation back toward the task at hand. They switched to role-playing and smaller groups of students chose to express the viewpoints of various provinces. The debate grew louder and more intense. The teacher smiled and stepped in to referee.
Passing the gym balcony, I looked down to see a physical education teacher working with a group of boys on a basketball passing drill.
"Pass and cut away!" he shouted. "Set a screen. Hit the open man."
Suddenly, there was a break in the action.
"Hold on, guys," he said. "Do you guys really understand why we're doing this drill?"
A mixture of blank stares and shrugged shoulders provided the answer, so he proceeded to take a deep breath and explain not only the purpose of the drill, but exactly how it fit into the grand scheme of offense and team play. A few nods of understanding and the group returned to its task with renewed vigor.
The next stop on my journey was the open door of a science lab where, again, a flurry of activity was taking place. I watched intently as a group of four students explained and demonstrated the nature and design of a scientific invention they had created. As they took turns regaling their small but attentive audience about the unique features of their project, a teacher was nearby, busy videotaping their entire presentation.
As I was leaving, I heard her say, "Okay, let's move the television over here and see how you did."
Finally, on the way back to my room, I couldn't help but investigate the low roar coming from down the hall. Music blaring, feet stomping, instructions straining to be heard above the din. Dancers of every shape and size were moving in seemingly random directions, although their various destinations were obviously quite well-rehearsed. Good things were happening here: hard work, sweat, intense concentration. And then, a mistake. One of the dancers offered an explanation, which led to a discussion among several of them. The dance teacher intervened and facilitated a resolution. A half-hearted plea by one of the students for a quick break fell on deaf ears.
"We'll have our break when we get this part right," she called out. A brief pep talk imploring them to push themselves just a little further seemed to create some new energy, and once again the place was hopping. "Now, from the top . . ."
My excursion complete, I returned to my corner of the school and reflected on what I had observed. Nothing surprising really. It was essentially what I had expected to find: goal-setting, problem-solving, teamwork, critical analysis, debate, discussion. In short, learning.
The only thing that you may have found surprising, but I didn't, was that when I began my journey, the regular school day had already ended an hour before.
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The ideas that have lighted my way have been kindness, beauty and truth.
Albert Einstein
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OVERCOMING SELF-LIMITING BELIEFS
by Brian Tracy


The worst beliefs you can have are "Self limiting beliefs." These exist whenever you believe yourself to be limited in some way. For example, you may think yourself to be less talented or capable than others. You may think that others are superior to you in some way. You may have fallen into the common trap of selling yourself short and settling for far less than you are truly capable of.

These self-limiting beliefs act like brakes on your potential. They hold you back. They generate the two greatest enemies of personal success - doubt and fear. They paralyze you and cause you to hesitate to take the intelligent risks that are necessary for you to fulfill your true potential.

For you to progress, to move onward and upward in your life and your business, you must continually challenge your self-limiting beliefs. You must reject any thought or suggestion that you are limited in any way. You must accept as a basic principle that you are a 'no-limit' person, and that what others have done, you can do as well.

When I was a young man, coming from a difficult upbringing, I fell into the mental trap of concluding that because other people were doing better than I was, they must be better or smarter than I was. I accidentally concluded that they were worth more than I was. I must therefore be worth less. This false belief held me back for years.

The fact is that no one is better than you are and no one is smarter than you are. If they are doing better, it is largely because they have developed their natural talents and abilities more than you have. They have learned the laws of cause and effect that apply to their lives and work before you have. And anything anyone else has done, within reason, you can probably do as well. You just need to learn how.
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The best portion of a good man's life: his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
William Wordsworth

"Integrity is non-situational; you're the same person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
Denis Waitley
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The Practice of Rejoicing
The next time you're feeling down or withdrawn, see what happens when you turn your attention to the good fortunes of others.
By Pema Chodron

Over twelve centuries ago, the Indian sage Shantideva composed "The Way of the Bodhisattva." This classic text gives surprisingly up-to-date instructions for people like you and me to live sanely and open-heartedly, even in a very troubled world. It is the essential guidebook for fledgling bodhisattvas, those spiritual warriors who long to alleviate suffering—their own and that of others.

In "The Way of the Bodhisattva," Shantideva explains how we can connect with the very best of ourselves and help others to do the same. One powerful method he describes is rejoicing. Rejoicing in the good fortune of others is a practice that can help us when we feel emotionally shut down and unable to connect with others. Rejoicing generates good will. The next time you go out in the world, you might try this practice: directing your attention to people—in their cars, on the sidewalk, talking on their cell phones—just wish for them all to be happy and well. Without knowing anything about them, they can become very real, by regarding each of them personally and rejoicing in the comforts and pleasures that come their way. Each of us has this soft spot: a capacity for love and tenderness. But if we don't encourage it, we can get pretty stubborn about remaining sour.

I have a friend who, when he begins getting depressed and withdrawn, goes to a nearby park and does this practice for everyone who walks by. He finds this pulls him out of the slump before it’s too late. The tricky part is getting out of the house, instead of giving in to the seduction of gloom.

When you begin the practice of rejoicing in others' good fortune, you can expect to encounter your soft spot—as well as your competitiveness and envy. Sitting on a park bench feeling warmth for strangers is relatively easy to do; but when good fortune comes to those we know better, especially those we dislike, it can give us an up-close look at our jealousy.

This has certainly been the case for me. Until I began to practice rejoicing, I wasn't aware of how much envy I had. I remember hearing that a colleague's book was rapidly becoming a best seller, and being pained that my first reaction was resentment. Likewise, when I practice generosity, I see my holding back more vividly than ever before. By practicing patience my anger is harder to deny. For someone on the spiritual path, seeing this can be embarrassing.

Who would have thought that the practice of rejoicing would be a setup for seeing our neurosis? Our usual response would be to feel that we’ve blown it; but for aspiring bodhisattvas this isn’t the case. Because our intention is to wake up so we can help others do the same, we rejoice as much in seeing where we’re stuck as we rejoice in our loving kindness.

This is the only way for true compassion to emerge: this is our opportunity to understand what others are up against. Like us, they aspire to open up, only to see themselves close down; like us, they have the capacity for joy, and out of ignorance they block it. For their sake and ours, we can let the story lines go and stay present with an open heart—and rejoice that we're even interested in such a fresh alternative.
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"The most important persuasion tool you have in your entire arsenal is integrity."
Zig Ziglar
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Grandma's Soup Night
By Joan Cinelli


It had been a busier than usual week, and trying to cope with a stiff neck had made it worse. By Thursday afternoon I had used up my supply of energy and patience. All I wanted to do was to get home, put on a comfortable robe, fix a bowl of good hot soup and collapse with my feet up.
So when I pulled into the driveway and saw my daughter-in-law Wanda's car, I groaned in despair. I had forgotten it was Bryan's night.
Since his parents' separation, I had tried to have my six-year-old grandson spend a few hours with me at least once a week. I always tried to make it a special time for him. We cooked his favorite meal - chicken and cranberry sauce - or went to his favorite hamburger place. Then either a movie or a walk through the park, and home for some fun together. We'd get down on the floor and have car races. Sometimes we'd make candy, or maybe read some silly or scary book. Bryan delighted in all these activities, and so did I. Usually.
Tonight there was no way I could handle it. I was going to have to postpone our evening together until next week. I hugged them both and then explained how badly I was feeling.
"Bryan, honey, I'm sorry," I said. "Tonight your Grandma Joan isn't up to any fun and games. Just a nice hot bowl of soup, a lazy hour of TV and then early to bed. We'll have our night together some other time."
Bryan's smile faded, and I saw the disappointment in his eyes. "Dear Lord, forgive me," I prayed, "but I'm really not up to it tonight. I need this night to relax and renew myself."
Bryan was looking up at me solemnly. "I like soup, Grandma."
My grandmother's heart knew what he was really saying. In his own way, he was saying, "Please don't send me away. Please let me stay."
I heard Wanda say, "No, Bryan. Grandma Joan's too tired tonight. Maybe next week."
But in Bryan's eyes, I saw the shadow, the uncertainty. Something else was changing. Maybe Grandma Joan wouldn't want to have him come anymore. Not tonight, not next week, not ever.
I hesitated and then tried again. "Just soup and TV, Bryan. No car games on the floor for me tonight, no baking cookies, no books. I probably won't be awake very long."
"I like soup," he repeated.
With a sigh of resignation, I gave in and placed my hand on his shoulder. "Then you are cordially invited to dine at my castle. The meal will be small, but the company will be delightful. Escort the Queen Mother in, please, Sir Bryan."
It was worth it to see his eyes light up and hear him giggle as he made a mock bow and replied, "Okay, your Royal Highness."
While I put the soup on the stove and changed into my robe, Bryan set up trays and turned on the television set.
I must have dozed off after the first few sips of soup. When I woke up, there was an afghan over my legs, the bowls and trays were gone. Bryan was sprawled on the floor, dividing his attention between a coloring book and a television show. I looked at my watch. Nine o'clock. Wanda would be coming to get Bryan soon. Poor boy, what a dull time he must have had.
Bryan looked up with a smile. Then, to my surprise, he ran over and gave me a big hug. "I love you, Grandma," he said, his arms still around my neck. "Haven't we had a nice time together?"
His big smile and happy eyes told me that this time he meant exactly what he was saying. And, to my surprise, I knew he was right. We really had had a nice time together.
That was the key word - together. We had done nothing exciting or special. I had slept in the chair. Bryan had colored and watched TV. But we were together.
That night I realized something important. Bryan's visits don't have to be a marathon of activity. The important thing is that he knows I love him and want him. He knows he has a place in my life, which is reserved particularly for him. A time that is just for us to be together.
Bryan still comes once a week. We still bake chicken or eat out, make cookies or go for a walk in the park. But every now and then we enjoy our favorite together time, our special feast of love - soup night.
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"A "NO" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "YES" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble."
Mahatma Gandhi